I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
