I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
