She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
