I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
