a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
