at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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