I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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