saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
last night I used snow as a chaser
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
