shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
