I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
