Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
