apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
