Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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