Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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