There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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