I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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