I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
