They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
