Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
