i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
