Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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