I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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