just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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