People in love make me want to vomit
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
