Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
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When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
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You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...