If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
