Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
