Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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