Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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