what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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