So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
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At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
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Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize