sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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