What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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