I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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