You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
the raccoons are back...
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