woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
