You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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