If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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