I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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