I met the friendliest cop last night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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