never play flip cup with pint glasses
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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