come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
