i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
