when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
