moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
