I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
