I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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