My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
