There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize