The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
