Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
