BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
