I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
