I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
