he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
