Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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