I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
